Posted in Blog

Sisters

When things began to fall apart in my career and my personal relationships, I decided that I wanted to seek out new friendships but I was mindful about what type of person I was looking for.

As a disabled person of colour, I’m a double negative minority and the people I was surrounding myself with were not getting that, which was why we were falling out.


I needed sisters of colour around me.


There were actually some sisters that I already knew and I just drew closer to them. They saw me hurting and didn’t even wait for me to come, they just reached out and rang; For example one of them, I hadn’t even seen or spoken to in seven years, reached out on social media after seeing everything I’d been through. When we finally spoke on the phone the other day it was like we’d been talking every day! We’re making plans to meet up soon and we’ve been keeping in touch on WhatsApp.

One sister, I call my little sister. She has been with me through thick and thin. We’ve known each other for years; she was there through the heartache with my family. We started Teacher Training together and we were supposed to make it to the finish line together. She stood by me while my childhood best friend disappeared and I continued to cheer her on regardless of my own situation. Now she’s an NQT (Newly Qualified Teacher) and we talk on the phone for hours about my woke-ness (she prayed for it!) most weekends and I listen to her tales of teaching teenagers (which I surprisingly don’t miss! LOL). She bought her first car this weekend and I am SO PROUD of her. I can’t drive, you’d think I’d be jel right? Heck no! She saved up for the car, bought it herself ❤️


And then there’s my Bumble Bestie; I just cannot believe I met a sister through a frickin’ app! And one I have so much in common with! Music, art, film, fashion, politics. We’re both in interracial relationships, therefore we both understand the struggles of becoming woke after falling in love and therefore the emotional battle of being constant educators; We both also had very similar traumatic childhoods, almost parallel. I do not think I could longer go a day without talking to her.


I’ve realised that in life, you really do need friends that you can connect with and relate to. It means so much for your self-concept. Before, I was so lonely that I would surround myself with anybody and I would call these people my best friends but they didn’t know me. They didn’t know when I was really happy, sad or really suffering.


Now I have friends I can go to when I’m feeling suicidal because I’ve had multiple focal onset seizures all afternoon and can’t get out of bed.

Or when my partner has accidentally said dumb shit about structural racism and thinks I’m overreacting to his comments.

Or when I’ve been able to go for a jog for the first time in a year.

All of my sisters are with me for all of my seasons. 


Posted in Blog

Social Media: Let’s Get Personal

This is going to be a VERY angry post. After my last post on mental health, I had some negative feedback on my personal Facebook page from somebody I know. We came to blows and after her comments, I had to block her.

 

People were comfortable when I was only sharing posts of me smiling, because that’s what social media’s about right?

 

Putting on a show for one another’s amusement.

 

We tell each other what we had for breakfast; we post pictures of our cute little dogs; we check in on our trips to Ikea (I actually did that yesterday haha), and the sad posts are okay as long as they’re temporary. People don’t care about our pain if it doesn’t have a sell-by-date, and I’m sorry but that’s the truth.

 

Since I’ve become sick, lost my job and become more outspoken about race, more and more people on my personal Facebook page have criticised me for “moaning” on their newsfeeds. This is regardless of balance too – I’ve shared the positive and the negative. 

 

How dare you tell me what to share about my life?

How dare you tell me what to post on my own Facebook page?

I have to scroll past your trash whenever I log onto Facebook, while I’m lying in bed crippled after a seizure or depression. Or both.

And by the way, thanks for fucking asking if I’m okay.

If you don’t like what I’m saying, scroll the fuck on bitch.

Eye Roll

Talking to a close friend about this, and taking her advice, I had to come to the decision that I’ll no longer to posting my blog to my personal Facebook page. And that’s tragic, because it appears that I’m now writing to the world and not my home. However, it protects my mental health, and it reduces stress, which will hopefully reduce seizures (by the way, my Zonisamide has been increased, I’m not fucking happy. 500mg, on top of the Keppra, AND anti-depressants???? For fuck’s sake. But of course, people on Facebook are sooooooooooooooooooooooo tired of hearing me moan about my fucking epilepsy because it hasn’t gone away yet).

Every day shows me who my enemies are; I already know who cares, I need to focus on that.

Furthermore, haters is a sure sign of success – I’m pretty sure that somebody somewhere successful said that.

You Got It Dude

Thanks for reading guys, and I also want to take this time to thank you for your support.

XOXO

Posted in Blog

Dark Shadows: New Horizons

During my suspension, I’ve been spending a lot of time on the couch re-watching Mad Men.  My least favourite character has always been Betty Draper/ Francis:

Betty Draper

(Jeff York (C) 2015)

She reminds me too much of my own mother. During this season, Betty’s also gotten fat… I’m not going to lie… the bitch in me delights in this after watching her put her skinny little arse before her children for four seasons…

Betty Draper Thanksgiving Dinner

(This Thanksgiving dinner! Hahahahahaha)

… You would think that I could at least sympathise with Betty, she clearly has mental health issues, but….. *thinks*….  nah.

However, I saw her in a new light today when she said this to her second husband Henry Francis in Episode 9 “Dark Shadows” of Season 5:

You’re always thinking about other people, and then you’re angry because no one’s thinking about you.

Leo Double Take.gif

(Hold up… that was Betty Draper??!!!?!?!?!?!??!?!)

I admire Henry Francis: he took on A LOT of shit when he took on Betty. I’m not defending Don Draper as a husband. Furthermore women as a collective, during the 1960s, faced a huge amount of torture. However, despite the masculine cacophony the majority at least attempted to make life better for themselves and their children, while Betty as a mother is just a monster who very evidently takes her own unresolved childhood issues out on her children and while Don manipulated this, Henry took this on, faced it head on and helped her. Unfortunately, he probably won’t ever alter my perceptions of Betty – as I said, she reminds me too much of my own mother, however for her to finally recognise enough how much Henry does for other people, and how little he gets in return for it and also recognise his anger for that, is pretty awesome.

 

This is something that I have been dealing with, because I’m constantly thinking of others. It’s something it seems that I was born to do. From a young age I was doing it for my family and now I do it instinctively, so much so that I forget that not everybody else does it too, and if they don’t that doesn’t necessarily mean that they don’t care. However, that doesn’t invalidate my anger.

 

Betty then went on to say:

It’s so easy to blame our problems on others but really we’re in charge of ourselves.  

 

I’ve come to a massive crossroads in my life. I’ve now become too sick to work – that is very much clear, therefore I cannot look for another job. Therefore I’m going to have to claim benefits.

I’ve also decided that it’s time to find my own place. As much as I love my partner, I can’t live with him anymore because I need my own space and my independence, and the stress of living with somebody else while so ill is actually more detrimental to my health than its worth.

This doesn’t mean however, that we’re breaking up.

 

It’s incredibly scary because I’m not going to have a job, yet I’m looking for somewhere to live on my own?

Am I crazy?

Yes. Yes I am!

But it’s also the first decision I’ve been able to make in the last few months that makes me feel pretty damn good.

 

It feels bloody good to be taking charge and soon also take charge of my own happiness.

Posted in Blog

Mean

This week has been one of highs and lows.

 

Today I write to you from the bathroom at work, as I cry, wondering how the people here can be so mean.

And yes I am aware that calling people “mean” makes me sound like a five-year-old however this is the only suitable adjective to describe people who can make you feel so low about yourself, that you feel sick.

Having a weakness makes you weak and people will treat you however they want to.

If you let them.

Lately I’ve been wanting to quit my job because I was tired of being the renegade and the voice of the minority. But I always forget myself in this.

What about me?

Shouldn’t I stand up for myself?

Don’t I deserve a hero?

Don’t I deserve to finally have somebody speak up for me?

Aren’t I tired of waiting around for people to do it for me? Of course I am.

Unfortunately as an invisible disability, it is extremely difficult to prove discrimination against a person like me.