This year, will be my third Christmas now without my mum and my sister and do you know what’s weird?
It’s getting easier.
This has been an awful year, and I’ve had to face it without them.
And when I find myself in dark places, I’m no longer looking for them to come and find me; when I’m locked in dark spaces, I’m no longer looking for them to come and unlock the door and embrace me.
This week, I’ve been sharing a lot of stories about my family with my partner. I always used to try to make Christmas so special, because it really wasn’t. When my father was around, it was just angry and when he wasn’t, my mum and sister were grumpy, while I battled to make it anything but.
On the other hand, there was also the year I took charge of cooking Christmas dinner, bought a turkey from Asda, but then they left all the insides in a bag and no matter how much a cleaned and seasoned the damned thing, I couldn’t get the stink of rotten meat out of the thing and it put us off turkey for life, bonding us a little bit.
We also used to have fart offs after eating too much stuffing…
Regardless of how much I tried, Christmas was always their least favourite time of the year, which was emotionally and physically exhausting for me (remember I wasn’t allowed to go to the doctors about my undiagnosed seizures during this time because of my mum).
And which is why this year, I’m just happy to be with people who love me, who don’t see me as “possessed”
(this is what helps break the mother-daughter bond situation).
This year, my partner and I will be spending it with one of my Uncles, his partner (my aunt), and their two sons (my cousins) – one of whom I’ve only met once, because my mum stopped my sister and I from seeing her family for over a decade.
I”ll try not to eat too much stuffing… LOL.
P.S. Do you guys have any untraditional favourite Christmas songs? So mine is “Christmas Lights” by Coldplay. It’s so depressing LOL but it gets me!