Posted in Blog

Throwing It All Away

I watch the world go round and round, and see mine turning upside down.

Throwing It All Away, Genesis

Anybody who knows me, knows that I’m a HUGE Genesis fan and I’ve especially been in awe of Phil Collins ever since I can remember. It comes from my father. I’m actually reading Phil Collins’ autobiography: Not Dead Yet, at the moment,  which I’m finding incredibly therapeutic and I highly recommend it, even if you’re not a fan of his music.

Phil never had a great relationship with his father and craved love and acceptance, which he never got because his father passed away when he was twenty-one. Then it seems, to me, that he spends years chasing after what he never got, while the rest of the world goes on.

That’s how I feel.

I’ve just spent an hour throwing out my teaching stuff: my teaching diary, lesson plans, notes, print outs from the University website, copies of my students’ work.

I also finally threw away the “friendship unicorn” my ex BFF and I bought together months ago… it’s been glaring down at me from the giant unit in our bedroom and I don’t know why I’ve kept it for so long.

My life has completely turned upside down this year and if it wasn’t for my partner I honestly wouldn’t know up from down.

Because I cannot believe that I’m having to start all over again.

Again.

On the theme of Genesis songs, reading this autobiography has got me listening to their greatest hits and one of my all time faves of theirs is “No Son of Mine” and I remember listening to this over and over in 2007, while on holiday with my mother and sister, in Portugal. I was having the worst time because I wasn’t well, (I was recovering from a severe allergic reaction to cashew nuts, their sympathy for me had worn out and I was done being around them); while listening to that song, I was envisioning myself having walked out on them. I always knew I was going to do it.

It was just a matter of timing and courage.

I’m not going to lie to you here, being without family is tough. Every. Single. Day.


It’s lonely.


But so was being with them. Part of the reason why the world goes round while mine constantly goes upside down is because of them.


My partner and I argued on Saturday because I was being difficult about letting him give me painkillers and put a heating cushion under my leg and do you know why that is?


Because of them!


Because they told me I was a burden. 


Because they told me that I wasn’t independent enough when I needed somebody to look after me.


Because they told me that asking for help was a sign of weakness and attention seeking.

I realise now, that all of that was part of the emotional abuse. 


Once I realised how silly I was being on Saturday, I let my partner look after me and the fight was done.

My partner and I have been together for ten months now and it has been an incredible journey because there have been so many strongholds I’ve had to overcome and I’d been searching so long for love and acceptance.

Anyway, if you know the rest of the song I quoted at the beginning of the post, I hope that I won’t be singing the rest of the lyrics!

As for my leg, I am still having anticoagulant (blood thinning) injections and then a scan tomorrow. This latest health scare has once again only highlighted how underfunded our NHS is and how overworked the staff are. On Sunday I spent six hours in a packed A&E, we were all waiting to see ONE doctor. Yesterday I spent three hours in an overbooked Ambulatory Clinic and by the time I got to see a doctor it was too late to have a scan. There were also elderly people in that clinic, some of who needed dressings changed who had been waiting to be seen for over six hours.

It’s frightening.

I used to have to go to A&E all the time for my asthma while I lived in Kent at least five years ago and I don’t remember it ever being that dire.

It’s frightening.

Let’s hope I don’t lose my leg eh?

(I’m joking xoxo)

Author:

My body remains on the sidelines watching, while my mind roams around the room, taking in the world around her. I am a wallflower. There could be two reasons for this: It could be due to me being an introvert or just that I am a Cancerian! I’m Cece Alexandra and I am so honoured that you’ve been led to delve into my thoughts here in this blog! I would describe myself as a Wallflower which is why I use words to express my deepest – and sometimes darkest - thoughts. Words have always been my strongest method of expressing myself. Growing up I always wanted to be a writer, however life and circumstances chipped away at my confidence until there was nothing left. Without words, I could no longer express myself. I am also Epileptic. Since being diagnosed, I have realised that my deepest fear is the day I am finally on my deathbed, haunted by the overwhelming regret that I never achieved my God-given potential. This realisation forced me to take a step of faith and put myself out there. Yes it makes me vulnerable, however within the process I not only want to be an inspiration to myself; I want to be an inspiration to other women – to be whatever you want to be. Embrace the fear and doubt and utilise that as the fuel you need to push through! Life is for living to the fullest. Life is for loving, for living true to yourself and to the people around you. Life however, can also be crippling, dark and overwhelming. But you are not alone. This thought alone is what will help you get up from the ground.

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