Posted in Blog

I Wish I Was Fitter Happier: The Bullies Have Won

Today I found out that I possibly have a blood clot in my left leg.

Ever since my grand mal seizure, I’ve been having multiple complex partial seizures as you know, which have left me absolutely exhausted and going from constantly on the go as a Trainee Teacher to suddenly bedridden has been a shock to the system. However I’ve also been suffering from extreme pain in my limbs, particularly my left leg.


I did mention in an earlier post that I had been suspended from my job. This has taken an immense toll upon my body through the following:


  • A suicide attempt
  • A grand mal seizure (on a scale of which I haven’t had since I was diagnosed with epilepsy three years ago) which included me biting my tongue and left my muscles so fucked I’ve been weak for weeks
  • Vaginal thrush (on a scale of which I haven’t had since I was a teenager)
  • Extreme eczema
  • Recurrent auras and complex seizures
  • A psychotic episode
  • A blood clot in my leg

I know that I can’t go back to teaching, which means that my career has been ruined.


I have been left more disabled than I started off as too.

I have to nap during the day and I can’t walk long distances anymore or stand for long periods of time.


When I found out about the blood clot, I couldn’t believe it. I knew that it was down to inactivity, but what am I supposed to do?


I burst into tears on the ward and then again out on the street outside of the hospital. 


I’m thirty fucking years old and my body is literally falling apart in my hands. 

On that ward I was the youngest person there yet I fit right in with the anticoagulant medication they gave me, as well as my now weekly list of ailments. Just the other day, I was saying to a friend that I was looking at my diary and was shocked to see that my life is now filled with hospital and GP appointments.

They called me through to CDU, but made me wait over 40 minutes for the results and while the doctor was telling me that he was concerned about levels and clots going to my lungs, all I could think was:

I always knew I was going to die young. 


I barely heard a word after that. 


I can’t work. 

This means that I will have to claim benefits. 

Everywhere I go, I drag my body around like a dead carcass.


Signing up to be a teacher was the BIGGEST mistake of my life.

Author:

My body remains on the sidelines watching, while my mind roams around the room, taking in the world around her. I am a wallflower. There could be two reasons for this: It could be due to me being an introvert or just that I am a Cancerian! I’m Cece Alexandra and I am so honoured that you’ve been led to delve into my thoughts here in this blog! I would describe myself as a Wallflower which is why I use words to express my deepest – and sometimes darkest - thoughts. Words have always been my strongest method of expressing myself. Growing up I always wanted to be a writer, however life and circumstances chipped away at my confidence until there was nothing left. Without words, I could no longer express myself. I am also Epileptic. Since being diagnosed, I have realised that my deepest fear is the day I am finally on my deathbed, haunted by the overwhelming regret that I never achieved my God-given potential. This realisation forced me to take a step of faith and put myself out there. Yes it makes me vulnerable, however within the process I not only want to be an inspiration to myself; I want to be an inspiration to other women – to be whatever you want to be. Embrace the fear and doubt and utilise that as the fuel you need to push through! Life is for living to the fullest. Life is for loving, for living true to yourself and to the people around you. Life however, can also be crippling, dark and overwhelming. But you are not alone. This thought alone is what will help you get up from the ground.

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