Posted in Blog

I Wish I Was Fitter Happier: The Bullies Have Won

Today I found out that I possibly have a blood clot in my left leg.

Ever since my grand mal seizure, I’ve been having multiple complex partial seizures as you know, which have left me absolutely exhausted and going from constantly on the go as a Trainee Teacher to suddenly bedridden has been a shock to the system. However I’ve also been suffering from extreme pain in my limbs, particularly my left leg.


I did mention in an earlier post that I had been suspended from my job. This has taken an immense toll upon my body through the following:


  • A suicide attempt
  • A grand mal seizure (on a scale of which I haven’t had since I was diagnosed with epilepsy three years ago) which included me biting my tongue and left my muscles so fucked I’ve been weak for weeks
  • Vaginal thrush (on a scale of which I haven’t had since I was a teenager)
  • Extreme eczema
  • Recurrent auras and complex seizures
  • A psychotic episode
  • A blood clot in my leg

I know that I can’t go back to teaching, which means that my career has been ruined.


I have been left more disabled than I started off as too.

I have to nap during the day and I can’t walk long distances anymore or stand for long periods of time.


When I found out about the blood clot, I couldn’t believe it. I knew that it was down to inactivity, but what am I supposed to do?


I burst into tears on the ward and then again out on the street outside of the hospital. 


I’m thirty fucking years old and my body is literally falling apart in my hands. 

On that ward I was the youngest person there yet I fit right in with the anticoagulant medication they gave me, as well as my now weekly list of ailments. Just the other day, I was saying to a friend that I was looking at my diary and was shocked to see that my life is now filled with hospital and GP appointments.

They called me through to CDU, but made me wait over 40 minutes for the results and while the doctor was telling me that he was concerned about levels and clots going to my lungs, all I could think was:

I always knew I was going to die young. 


I barely heard a word after that. 


I can’t work. 

This means that I will have to claim benefits. 

Everywhere I go, I drag my body around like a dead carcass.


Signing up to be a teacher was the BIGGEST mistake of my life.

Author:

I’m Cece Alexandra and I have Epilepsy. Since being diagnosed, my life has changed significantly. After studying and teaching Humanities and Literature for all of my adult life, I was bullied and lost my job a month before qualifying to become an English Teacher. Once you fail the Teacher Training course in England, you cannot ever retrain; I then became too sick to work because of my Epilepsy. I am now currently studying an MSc in Mental Health Psychology with the University of Liverpool. My disability provokes me into raising awareness for invisible disabilities, which I also actively partake in with Epilepsy Action. Part of that awareness is to help fight against invisible disability discrimination - I believe that this behaviour is not cognitively unconscious; modern society is actively partaking in a hierarchy of disabilities and I believe that there is not enough psychological research to prove this. I am also clinically interested in Cultural Psychology - particularly Collectivist Culture, and wish to pursue this further in my academic career.

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