Posted in Blog

When I Am King, You Will Be First Against The Wall… 

People always say that when you’re stressed, angry, anxious, agitated, feeling like you wanna punch somebody in the face, etc etc, you should take some time out, take a walk, take five. Usually I’m not able to do this because my energy levels won’t allow it, however this evening after a dinner leaving me feeling anxious beyond recognition, all I needed were the spoons that I’d saved from my sit down shower (see! These little tricks are working!) And some Radiohead on Spotify and I was good to go for a little stroll and a sit down.

(I will actually be writing a separate piece about Radiohead, who are one of my favourite bands of all time, but for now we’ll concentrate on this walk.)

This weekend, we’ve been entertaining. It’s incredibly bad timing and I’m going to be diplomatic by keeping my opinions on my guests to myself. 

This weekend has been tough mentally. Having people in your home when you’re both mentally and physically unfit is incredibly strenuous, but mentally it’s crippling. Friday I nearly didn’t make it, therefore tonight I decided to take that time out while my legs could bear the weight and I found this:

And I sat, gathering my thoughts out in the open, until the park and streets looked like this:

And then when the sun eventually went down, I made my way home along the main road – the same road I had just walked along a half hour before – feeling brighter and lighter than I had before:

Yesterday was a better day; this morning was a better morning and apart from the blip at dinner – this evening has been a better evening. 

I’m finally starting to feel hopeful about a recovery. I realise that I’m being so cryptic right now, however I promise I will give a proper update. 

I just wanted to encourage those out there struggling in the darkness, please please PLEASE keep going. Tonight my motivation is revenge: when I am King, I’m going to line up all of my haters up against a wall so that they can watch my success from the front line 🙂 

xoxo

Author:

My body remains on the sidelines watching, while my mind roams around the room, taking in the world around her. I am a wallflower. There could be two reasons for this: It could be due to me being an introvert or just that I am a Cancerian! I’m Cece Alexandra and I am so honoured that you’ve been led to delve into my thoughts here in this blog! I would describe myself as a Wallflower which is why I use words to express my deepest – and sometimes darkest - thoughts. Words have always been my strongest method of expressing myself. Growing up I always wanted to be a writer, however life and circumstances chipped away at my confidence until there was nothing left. Without words, I could no longer express myself. I am also Epileptic. Since being diagnosed, I have realised that my deepest fear is the day I am finally on my deathbed, haunted by the overwhelming regret that I never achieved my God-given potential. This realisation forced me to take a step of faith and put myself out there. Yes it makes me vulnerable, however within the process I not only want to be an inspiration to myself; I want to be an inspiration to other women – to be whatever you want to be. Embrace the fear and doubt and utilise that as the fuel you need to push through! Life is for living to the fullest. Life is for loving, for living true to yourself and to the people around you. Life however, can also be crippling, dark and overwhelming. But you are not alone. This thought alone is what will help you get up from the ground.

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