I’m at a gig on my own and it feels FUCKING AWESOME! 💜 (Sorry Aunty for swearing but that’s the only way I can describe how I’m feeling right now, after feeling so crushed for so long – I had a chat to one of my Aunties the other day and she reprimanded me for swearing so much on social media lol.)
Two weeks ago I tried to kill myself.
I still can’t recount the story because it still hurts so bad.
However soon I will.
And then last week I had a major grand mal seizure and nearly died.
All I can say about the whole killing myself thing, is that the majority of the reason was to do with my job.
I’ve spent 8 months training to be a teacher and if you’ve been following my blog, you’ll know that I’ve spent 8 months in hell and a group of people made me feel like I was better off dead than alive.
That’s all I can say about it really.
You may also realise that this is the first time I’ve ever mentioned, on here, what my job actually is.
I’m not going to lie: I’m the kind of person who sincerely looks at herself in the mirror and gasps at her awesomeness (which is probably why I have so many haters right? I’m pretty, I’m intelligent, did I mention that I’m pretty?) and yet take me away from the comfort of the mirror, and I forget all of that and believe the haters. And those are the lies that stay like a broken record in my head. Imagine those voices in the place you work. Constantly.
Don’t forget that training to be a teacher is hard enough too, but I’m also disabled and I’m learning on the job that managing epilepsy is also a full-time job in itself which people rarely sympathise or empathise with.
Which is why tonight I came to this gig alone, because I want to enjoy my own company again.
I’m exhausted with being let down by people.
Last night I had an argument with my partner, because even after seeing me have a grand mal seizure and almost die before his very eyes, it became painfully apparent that he STILL doesn’t get it: the exhaustion, the agony, the brain fog and the fact that this IS ME.
Which was also partly why two weeks ago, it was almost more appealing to be dead than so consistently misunderstood by what sometimes feels like the entire world.
But, right now being in my own company is better because I understand better than anybody else what it’s like to be me.
Now I’m off to dance by myself and enjoy the gig 🙂
Honeyblood @Koko, Camden