Posted in Poetry

Goodbye

To you, I said goodbye to you only yesterday,

When you told me my suffering wasn’t real.

You took it back after I told you to re-claim your attack.

But it was too late.

The slip up had sealed the deal

What we had was never real! Let’s be real.

When I said goodbye to you yesterday,

When you questioned my check ins

Because social media is what we use

For truth we pick and choose

Instead of conversing and choosing to love

We recline and choose instead to judge.

And you hold onto grudges from years before,

Let hatred and jealousy seep from your pores.

So let your army come, You cannot take from me,

I’m out of your reach, I said my goodbye,

Goodbye to you yesterday,

Your army call me crazy,

Because mental health is funny,

Because battling with invisible soldiers on a daily basis makes you crazy,

And your army thinks that’s funny.

So the worst you’ve already done, for which I’ve already grieved.

And now you’re back with the species you belong.

No friends you say?

I don’t need selfies to prove

That with my homies mountains I can move,

For they speak the language for what I’ve been through,

So toodles to you from yesterday.

And to you,

I said goodbye to a year ago,

I know you still think of me,

The one you let go,

Your First Born.

I anticipated the years of heartache,

Oh yes…

There are days where my mind forgets

And my heart aches,

Just as the very day I had to say goodbye.

Today my heart still breaks,

That you didn’t stand by your first born

And you chose to stand by laws, spirits, demons, scriptures instead,

Instead of a scientific diagnosis.

Each rupture in my brain like an explosive

But your denial, at the time, was more painful,

More shameful,

Less gainful,

So I said goodbye that year ago.

But I cling onto the lesson you taught

With the Doc martins in Year 3

To deal with those those bullies in the playground you bought

Me a lesson I have carried up to now, like a bible close to my heart.

And I wear maroon Doc Martins at age 30

Kicking the shit out of the world

Since I said goodbye a year ago.

And to you, who had my first goodbye

Who couldn’t carry the burden

Of my stiffened limbs,

My past sins, and tears for lost whims,

But yet denied my suffering still,

Your years of jealousy taken over the edge

This time into terrain you couldn’t follow

And so you cast me aside

My sickness you couldn’t abide…

Years ago you had my first goodbye.

I would’ve died for you – I nearly did,

In the hands of the terror of our childhood

He would’ve ruined you if he could,..

But age makes us forgetful and careless,

Which is why at our breaking point

You couldn’t care less.

And now I am no longer afraid to say

I am more blessed

 

That you were my first best friend,

And that you were my first goodbye.

 

We don’t learn to say goodbye,

We remember.

We remember to protect ourselves,

To love ourselves,

To heal ourselves,

To never let anybody hurt us again…

Which is why you –

Yes you – will, and cannot hurt me.

You think you can torment my soul,

With your name calling, (like I haven’t heard it before) and grave digging.

You’ve taken on this role,

To lead an army as you forget the state of your own soul.

You can hang me on you pole, like a flag for your hatred,

For your people to see,

As you live and breathe.

But just remember,

That you cannot hurt me.

I fight demons every day, just ask the brainwaves in my head,

The sweat patches in my bed,

The bruises on my legs,

I won’t be old before I’m dead.

Which is why you cannot hurt me, because I have bigger fish to fry,

More of which I will cry,

So you won’t get a goodbye

From me.

Doc Martins

Author:

My body remains on the sidelines watching, while my mind roams around the room, taking in the world around her. I am a wallflower. There could be two reasons for this: It could be due to me being an introvert or just that I am a Cancerian! I’m Cece Alexandra and I am so honoured that you’ve been led to delve into my thoughts here in this blog! I would describe myself as a Wallflower which is why I use words to express my deepest – and sometimes darkest - thoughts. Words have always been my strongest method of expressing myself. Growing up I always wanted to be a writer, however life and circumstances chipped away at my confidence until there was nothing left. Without words, I could no longer express myself. I am also Epileptic. Since being diagnosed, I have realised that my deepest fear is the day I am finally on my deathbed, haunted by the overwhelming regret that I never achieved my God-given potential. This realisation forced me to take a step of faith and put myself out there. Yes it makes me vulnerable, however within the process I not only want to be an inspiration to myself; I want to be an inspiration to other women – to be whatever you want to be. Embrace the fear and doubt and utilise that as the fuel you need to push through! Life is for living to the fullest. Life is for loving, for living true to yourself and to the people around you. Life however, can also be crippling, dark and overwhelming. But you are not alone. This thought alone is what will help you get up from the ground.

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