Posted in Poetry

Goodbye

To you, I said goodbye to you only yesterday,

When you told me my suffering wasn’t real.

You took it back after I told you to re-claim your attack.

But it was too late.

The slip up had sealed the deal

What we had was never real! Let’s be real.

When I said goodbye to you yesterday,

When you questioned my check ins

Because social media is what we use

For truth we pick and choose

Instead of conversing and choosing to love

We recline and choose instead to judge.

And you hold onto grudges from years before,

Let hatred and jealousy seep from your pores.

So let your army come, You cannot take from me,

I’m out of your reach, I said my goodbye,

Goodbye to you yesterday,

Your army call me crazy,

Because mental health is funny,

Because battling with invisible soldiers on a daily basis makes you crazy,

And your army thinks that’s funny.

So the worst you’ve already done, for which I’ve already grieved.

And now you’re back with the species you belong.

No friends you say?

I don’t need selfies to prove

That with my homies mountains I can move,

For they speak the language for what I’ve been through,

So toodles to you from yesterday.

And to you,

I said goodbye to a year ago,

I know you still think of me,

The one you let go,

Your First Born.

I anticipated the years of heartache,

Oh yes…

There are days where my mind forgets

And my heart aches,

Just as the very day I had to say goodbye.

Today my heart still breaks,

That you didn’t stand by your first born

And you chose to stand by laws, spirits, demons, scriptures instead,

Instead of a scientific diagnosis.

Each rupture in my brain like an explosive

But your denial, at the time, was more painful,

More shameful,

Less gainful,

So I said goodbye that year ago.

But I cling onto the lesson you taught

With the Doc martins in Year 3

To deal with those those bullies in the playground you bought

Me a lesson I have carried up to now, like a bible close to my heart.

And I wear maroon Doc Martins at age 30

Kicking the shit out of the world

Since I said goodbye a year ago.

And to you, who had my first goodbye

Who couldn’t carry the burden

Of my stiffened limbs,

My past sins, and tears for lost whims,

But yet denied my suffering still,

Your years of jealousy taken over the edge

This time into terrain you couldn’t follow

And so you cast me aside

My sickness you couldn’t abide…

Years ago you had my first goodbye.

I would’ve died for you – I nearly did,

In the hands of the terror of our childhood

He would’ve ruined you if he could,..

But age makes us forgetful and careless,

Which is why at our breaking point

You couldn’t care less.

And now I am no longer afraid to say

I am more blessed

 

That you were my first best friend,

And that you were my first goodbye.

 

We don’t learn to say goodbye,

We remember.

We remember to protect ourselves,

To love ourselves,

To heal ourselves,

To never let anybody hurt us again…

Which is why you –

Yes you – will, and cannot hurt me.

You think you can torment my soul,

With your name calling, (like I haven’t heard it before) and grave digging.

You’ve taken on this role,

To lead an army as you forget the state of your own soul.

You can hang me on you pole, like a flag for your hatred,

For your people to see,

As you live and breathe.

But just remember,

That you cannot hurt me.

I fight demons every day, just ask the brainwaves in my head,

The sweat patches in my bed,

The bruises on my legs,

I won’t be old before I’m dead.

Which is why you cannot hurt me, because I have bigger fish to fry,

More of which I will cry,

So you won’t get a goodbye

From me.

Doc Martins

Author:

I’m Cece Alexandra and I have Epilepsy. Since being diagnosed, my life has changed significantly. After studying and teaching Humanities and Literature for all of my adult life, I was bullied and lost my job a month before qualifying to become an English Teacher. Once you fail the Teacher Training course in England, you cannot ever retrain; I then became too sick to work because of my Epilepsy. I am now currently studying an MSc in Mental Health Psychology with the University of Liverpool. My disability provokes me into raising awareness for invisible disabilities, which I also actively partake in with Epilepsy Action. Part of that awareness is to help fight against invisible disability discrimination - I believe that this behaviour is not cognitively unconscious; modern society is actively partaking in a hierarchy of disabilities and I believe that there is not enough psychological research to prove this. I am also clinically interested in Cultural Psychology - particularly Collectivist Culture, and wish to pursue this further in my academic career.

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