Posted in Blog

#RIP Chris Cornell

The Bible views suicide as murder – murder of the self, a sin for which you go to Hell.

I grew up as a Christian.

I also grew up battling depression, and suicide ideation; for me, some days were akin to living in Hell.

They still are.

Many of my heroes, and people I grew up idolising, have committed suicide… to name a few:

  • Ernest Hemingway
  • Sylvia Plath
  • Virginia Woolf
  • Vincent Van Gogh
  • Marilyn Monroe
  • Ian Curtis
  • Heath Ledger
  • Robin Williams
  • Kurt Cobain
  • Alexander McQueen

…And then this week… Chris Cornell.

“dark wolf”

All of these people were tortured by mental illness; depression is a dark wolf, it’s relentless.

You cannot shake it off; it sinks its sharp teeth through your skin, into your brain, your heart, your soul. They say ‘sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you‘ but that’s a lie, because the words are already inside of you, and that’s why they hurt you the most.

The first time I heard of Chris Cornell, was through Soundgarden’s “Black Hole Sun”, a song he claimed was often misinterpreted as cheerful.

We first heard of Chris Cornell through Soundgarden, on VH1, my sister and I.

So mesmerised, were we by the video to “Black Hole Sun”, we didn’t even gallop around the coffee table like we did when we rocked out to other bands, or gyrate against the arms of the sofas, pretending they were our guitars. Not to “Black Hole Sun”. We both resonated with the dark lyrics, and the shadows looming within the music video.

Black Hole Sun

Nobody else sang like this guy, which is why we would always pause when this video came on. We used to record music videos from sky music channels, so that we could collate our favourite videos together into a collection, like a time capsule we could keep and watch on repeat.

While my sister left grunge as she grew older, I stayed supremely depressed in the dark rock of the nineties.

And we drew further and further apart.

Of late, mental health awareness has been at the forefront of our fingertips, our headlines, our hashtags etc. We’re finally talking about it openly, while people like me have been suffering so silently in the darkness for so many years.

As much as I admire your hashtags and your headlines, it doesn’t change the fact that people like me have been suffering so silently in the darkness for so many years.

It doesn’t save the tortured souls that have been lost, that have been slashed by your blades of hell; your judgements, your slurs, your eye rolls, your shoulder shrugs; these are all blades contributing to the wrists slit in desperation every day, and the many other despairing exits taken.

I am heartbroken by Chris’ passing; another brother lost to the darkness that I battle with daily, hourly, minutely.

It’s exhausting.

And the deeper the claws drag you, the harder it becomes for anything, or anyone to reach you, especially when you’re drowning in oceans of ignorance.

#RIP

Samaritans

 

 

 

 

Author:

My body remains on the sidelines watching, while my mind roams around the room, taking in the world around her. I am a wallflower. There could be two reasons for this: It could be due to me being an introvert or just that I am a Cancerian! I’m Cece Alexandra and I am so honoured that you’ve been led to delve into my thoughts here in this blog! I would describe myself as a Wallflower which is why I use words to express my deepest – and sometimes darkest - thoughts. Words have always been my strongest method of expressing myself. Growing up I always wanted to be a writer, however life and circumstances chipped away at my confidence until there was nothing left. Without words, I could no longer express myself. I am also Epileptic. Since being diagnosed, I have realised that my deepest fear is the day I am finally on my deathbed, haunted by the overwhelming regret that I never achieved my God-given potential. This realisation forced me to take a step of faith and put myself out there. Yes it makes me vulnerable, however within the process I not only want to be an inspiration to myself; I want to be an inspiration to other women – to be whatever you want to be. Embrace the fear and doubt and utilise that as the fuel you need to push through! Life is for living to the fullest. Life is for loving, for living true to yourself and to the people around you. Life however, can also be crippling, dark and overwhelming. But you are not alone. This thought alone is what will help you get up from the ground.

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