Posted in Poetry

1 in 103

Stepping out of the shower, I feel the aura coming on like a freight train.

There’s barely time to think.

I just about have time to wrap myself in dignity, before rapidly falling into the abyss.

I fall into break-neck blackness, like a dream, a feeling of falling backwards, I lose my footing.

And yet people do not believe that this is real.

Just as real as the near-miss knock of my head against the sink;

Just as real as the depths of despair I feel, knowing that this is only the beginning;

This is my life,

And life for 1 in 103.


Like a baby learning to walk for the first time, I stumble out of the bathroom,

But unlike a baby I’m not stumbling towards the open arms of a parent.

I’m not stumbling towards the open arms of comfort, safety;

Instead I am alone.

I stumble to my bedroom, where I am alone.

And I fall.

I lay on the bed. I made it, only God knows how.

I let the tide wash over me as I sink into the soft sands of the quilt.

The mobile phone in my hand, I lay like a starfish on the beach;

My limbs are stuck to the grains beneath me.

Somehow my thumb has hit the “alert” button on my home screen, because when I finally come up for air, I hear a woman’s voice:

“Hello? Hello?”

Gasping for air, I speak to the Saviour within my hand;

Her soothing tones calm my frantic panic.


Only after I hang up, do I crumble.

I’ve finally hit the ground, and I shatter into a million pieces.


My body remains on the sidelines watching, while my mind roams around the room, taking in the world around her. I am a wallflower. There could be two reasons for this: It could be due to me being an introvert or just that I am a Cancerian! I’m Cece Alexandra and I am so honoured that you’ve been led to delve into my thoughts here in this blog! I would describe myself as a Wallflower which is why I use words to express my deepest – and sometimes darkest - thoughts. Words have always been my strongest method of expressing myself. Growing up I always wanted to be a writer, however life and circumstances chipped away at my confidence until there was nothing left. Without words, I could no longer express myself. I am also Epileptic. Since being diagnosed, I have realised that my deepest fear is the day I am finally on my deathbed, haunted by the overwhelming regret that I never achieved my God-given potential. This realisation forced me to take a step of faith and put myself out there. Yes it makes me vulnerable, however within the process I not only want to be an inspiration to myself; I want to be an inspiration to other women – to be whatever you want to be. Embrace the fear and doubt and utilise that as the fuel you need to push through! Life is for living to the fullest. Life is for loving, for living true to yourself and to the people around you. Life however, can also be crippling, dark and overwhelming. But you are not alone. This thought alone is what will help you get up from the ground.

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