Posted in Blog

Impatience is my Virtue



I’m an extremely impatient person. Which is funny because very many people who meet me find me to be one of the most patient people they’ve ever met.


In my job I have to be, so I force it, thanks to many months of training, and remembering that “Professional Me” cannot throw the same kind of tantrums “Normal Me” throws at the weekends.


Last night I was at a gig and the band were over twenty minutes late: steam was coming out of my ears, I was close to tears because I was exhausted and already felt guilty anyway because I’d left tons of work at home and instead I was out in Hackney getting drunk and waiting for an indie band who were so rock and roll they didn’t even have the decency to apologise for keeping us all waiting.

Just before they did finally emerge, I very nearly did walk out, and when they did emerge at first I thought: “oh see, maybe it does pay to be patient?” However, the vocals were poor and the lead vocal in general seemed like a strange imitation of Ian Curtis…. Which I wasn’t expecting. And I was left disappointed.


Which is a shame, because I’ve been a fan of their music for months, and live music is supposed to enhance that relationship you have with the music, not leave you feeling sour. If I’d left the gig when I’d wanted to, I actually wouldn’t have missed out on anything.

People do find me terribly impatient and harsh.

Time waits for nobody and neither do I and I guess I’ve always been this way, but even more so after I was diagnosed with epilepsy.

That’s just who I am.


I’ve been joking this week that for Lent I’ve given up being nice. I realise now that although my tolerance threshold can be nonexistent, in the past I have been too nice in giving people another chance anyway: my family, exes, friends – which has all come from fear. Fear of missing out.

Which is why I’m not afraid to be mean anymore.

I apologise for the rambling tonight.

I’m exhausted.


My body remains on the sidelines watching, while my mind roams around the room, taking in the world around her. I am a wallflower. There could be two reasons for this: It could be due to me being an introvert or just that I am a Cancerian! I’m Cece Alexandra and I am so honoured that you’ve been led to delve into my thoughts here in this blog! I would describe myself as a Wallflower which is why I use words to express my deepest – and sometimes darkest - thoughts. Words have always been my strongest method of expressing myself. Growing up I always wanted to be a writer, however life and circumstances chipped away at my confidence until there was nothing left. Without words, I could no longer express myself. I am also Epileptic. Since being diagnosed, I have realised that my deepest fear is the day I am finally on my deathbed, haunted by the overwhelming regret that I never achieved my God-given potential. This realisation forced me to take a step of faith and put myself out there. Yes it makes me vulnerable, however within the process I not only want to be an inspiration to myself; I want to be an inspiration to other women – to be whatever you want to be. Embrace the fear and doubt and utilise that as the fuel you need to push through! Life is for living to the fullest. Life is for loving, for living true to yourself and to the people around you. Life however, can also be crippling, dark and overwhelming. But you are not alone. This thought alone is what will help you get up from the ground.

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