Posted in Blog

Birthday Blues



I’ve been thinking A LOT about my family this week.

On Tuesday it was my sister’s birthday… I think she’s now 28?

The weekend before was tough: when the grief hits me, it still feels like she’s died. It beggars belief – even to me! – that she lives only an hour away from London. Same as my mother.

My mother loves the bright lights of Westfield Stratford, and so whenever I go there I wonder what it would be like to bump into her: would it be like bumping into an ex? I imagine that I’ll be the one to walk in the other direction in order to try as quickly as possible to get away, while she’ll be the one to say try and say hello. But then she might surprise me and I might surprise myself… perhaps it’ll be the other way around?


I still have dreams where my sister and I are still as close as we once were. In my latest dream, I was still living in Kent and was packing up my stuff to move in with my boyfriend. My sister was helping me pack my stuff into boxes and I was saying to her: “uh I hate packing. But hopefully this will be my last move.”

Reflecting back on that, I do find that symbolic as I am moving in with my boyfriend.


They don’t even know where I’m moving too.

But if you’re reading this and you are in contact with my family, you can let them know that I am happy and that I am safe.


My body remains on the sidelines watching, while my mind roams around the room, taking in the world around her. I am a wallflower. There could be two reasons for this: It could be due to me being an introvert or just that I am a Cancerian! I’m Cece Alexandra and I am so honoured that you’ve been led to delve into my thoughts here in this blog! I would describe myself as a Wallflower which is why I use words to express my deepest – and sometimes darkest - thoughts. Words have always been my strongest method of expressing myself. Growing up I always wanted to be a writer, however life and circumstances chipped away at my confidence until there was nothing left. Without words, I could no longer express myself. I am also Epileptic. Since being diagnosed, I have realised that my deepest fear is the day I am finally on my deathbed, haunted by the overwhelming regret that I never achieved my God-given potential. This realisation forced me to take a step of faith and put myself out there. Yes it makes me vulnerable, however within the process I not only want to be an inspiration to myself; I want to be an inspiration to other women – to be whatever you want to be. Embrace the fear and doubt and utilise that as the fuel you need to push through! Life is for living to the fullest. Life is for loving, for living true to yourself and to the people around you. Life however, can also be crippling, dark and overwhelming. But you are not alone. This thought alone is what will help you get up from the ground.

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