Welcome to day two on Zonegran, and day two of being seizure free.
I feel incredibly anxious.
I’m afraid to have hope that being seizure free will last more than a few days;
I’m afraid for my job;
I’m afraid for my future;
I’m afraid for my relationship because I’m grumpy, unfocused, anxious; who wants to be stuck with a grumpy old mare like me!
Because I have so much going on in my head, on top of the Keppra, for months I’ve been struggling to follow conversations, retain information, give people my attention. On a rare good day, it’s quite easy to hide. However, the more time you spend with people, the more they begin to notice.
I’m lucky enough to have people in my life who understand that this is to do with the epilepsy and is not a character flaw. However, I am also unlucky in that there are many people in my life who don’t understand.
It doesn’t help that I’m too tired to hide my grumpiness either.
At the moment I feel like I’m slowly fading… my boyfriend met me in the summer. I didn’t have everything together then either, however I was still me. In fact, more me than ever. Now however, I don’t know who I am anymore. I look in the mirror and don’t recognise my face – and even in pictures, I look at the face and wonder who that is staring back at me? I hate being like this; part of my life is so together, however it’s all surrounded by so much fog that some days I can barely see the bright lights and beauty.
On a more positive note, since starting the Zonegran, as I take it at night I’ve been sleeping incredibly well…. This morning I actually woke up feeling refreshed! Imagine that! (I cannot remember the last time I not only slept through most of the night, but also woke up feeling REFRESHED!!!)