Posted in Blog

Zonegran: Day Two

Welcome to day two on Zonegran, and day two of being seizure free.

I feel incredibly anxious.

I’m afraid to have hope that being seizure free will last more than a few days;

I’m afraid for my job;

I’m afraid for my future;

I’m afraid for my relationship because I’m grumpy, unfocused, anxious; who wants to be stuck with a grumpy old mare like me!

Because I have so much going on in my head, on top of the Keppra, for months I’ve been struggling to follow conversations, retain information, give people my attention. On a rare good day, it’s quite easy to hide. However, the more time you spend with people, the more they begin to notice.

I’m lucky enough to have people in my life who understand that this is to do with the epilepsy and is not a character flaw. However, I am also unlucky in that there are many people in my life who don’t understand.

It doesn’t help that I’m too tired to hide my grumpiness either.

Ha.

At the moment I feel like I’m slowly fading… my boyfriend met me in the summer. I didn’t have everything together then either, however I was still me. In fact, more me than ever. Now however, I don’t know who I am anymore. I look in the mirror and don’t recognise my face –  and even in pictures, I look at the face and wonder who that is staring back at me? I hate being like this; part of my life is so together, however it’s all surrounded by so much fog that some days I can barely see the bright lights and beauty.

On a more positive note, since starting the Zonegran, as I take it at night I’ve been sleeping incredibly well…. This morning I actually woke up feeling refreshed! Imagine that! (I cannot remember the last time I not only slept through most of the night, but also woke up feeling REFRESHED!!next-mood-swing!)

xoxo

Author:

My body remains on the sidelines watching, while my mind roams around the room, taking in the world around her. I am a wallflower. There could be two reasons for this: It could be due to me being an introvert or just that I am a Cancerian! I’m Cece Alexandra and I am so honoured that you’ve been led to delve into my thoughts here in this blog! I would describe myself as a Wallflower which is why I use words to express my deepest – and sometimes darkest - thoughts. Words have always been my strongest method of expressing myself. Growing up I always wanted to be a writer, however life and circumstances chipped away at my confidence until there was nothing left. Without words, I could no longer express myself. I am also Epileptic. Since being diagnosed, I have realised that my deepest fear is the day I am finally on my deathbed, haunted by the overwhelming regret that I never achieved my God-given potential. This realisation forced me to take a step of faith and put myself out there. Yes it makes me vulnerable, however within the process I not only want to be an inspiration to myself; I want to be an inspiration to other women – to be whatever you want to be. Embrace the fear and doubt and utilise that as the fuel you need to push through! Life is for living to the fullest. Life is for loving, for living true to yourself and to the people around you. Life however, can also be crippling, dark and overwhelming. But you are not alone. This thought alone is what will help you get up from the ground.

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