After a week or so of not feeling 100% I’m at a breaking point where nothing seems to be able to bring me back up.
Having the flu over Christmas triggered a cluster of seizures and I’ve spent most of the New Year so far either sleeping until late, or in a daze.
I’m due to return to work on Thursday, which fills me with an incredible dread. And immense fear.
Before Christmas, doubts had arisen regarding my capacity to fulfill my job – doubts which came from the people around me at work unfortunately. Therefore, no matter how positive I try to be about being an epilepsy / mental health warrior, if people who don’t even see the real me – struggling into work and crying in the toilets – have faith in me, then what chance do I really have?
I frequently wonder how people like me are supposed to live? Am I expecting too much of myself to hold down a full time job? To turn up everyday, ready to fulfill my duties? I’m beginning to wonder if perhaps I should give up work….
I have an appointment with my epilepsy specialist team tomorrow, where we will again be discussing new medication options AGAIN; As helpful as the team are, I’m so frustrated that nobody has answers. Every drug change is a throw of the dice, where nobody knows if we’ll land on a win or just another loss.
I’m not feeling optimistic about this appointment at all. I’ve been suffering panic attacks lately, causing me to have to go to a walk in centre before Christmas to get myself checked out. When I told the GP there about everything concerning me (she wanted to investigate the causes behind the symptoms) – the constant seizures, the pressures at work – she insisted that I fight. This woman didn’t know me, but guessed from my educational background that my career meant a lot to me, and she told me to fight… that whatever it takes I should keep on fighting.
But I’m not trained for this. I’m constantly exhausted because with epilepsy there never seems to be any downtime; even in the short spaces of time where I’m seizure free (maybe one or two days at most at the moment), I’m still foaming at the mouth and dragging my feet and thoughts behind me like a zombie, from the amount of pills I have to take on a daily basis.
We’ll see what the hospital has to say tomorrow…..