Posted in Blog

Invisible Conniving B****

I wish I didn’t give a damnI wish 

I could forget….

This is my feeble attempt at a poem. 

I failed. 

I laugh it off, as I try to laugh everything off lately: my family, my dark past, the dire EU referendum result, my epilepsy:

Haha a new dose increase.

Haha the man on the bus behind me hocking up phlegm into (here’s hoping) a tissue #LondonLife

Thankfully I can control my reaction before I get punched in the face (it happens), however I am still yet to control this STUPID FUCKING CONDITION. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS???

And now I cannot control the fact that the bus driver is refusing to move because he’s having a fight with a passenger…. #LondonLife #LOL

Because of epilepsy I’ve been rejected by my family, rejected by the majority of my employers and live in constant fear that I will be rejected by the people who have stuck around in my life. 

Epilepsy makes me unpredictable which causes inconvenience to other people’s plans. It makes my mood unpredictable, which I guess makes people around me fearful as only God knows what mood I’m going to wake up in tomorrow. 

And because this conniving bitch called epilepsy is invisible, people only see me and not the condition.

So they reject me; lose patience with me; rebuke me. 

My apologies that I don’t have a more uplifting post for you today.

But today this is all I have to give. 

Author:

My body remains on the sidelines watching, while my mind roams around the room, taking in the world around her. I am a wallflower. There could be two reasons for this: It could be due to me being an introvert or just that I am a Cancerian! I’m Cece Alexandra and I am so honoured that you’ve been led to delve into my thoughts here in this blog! I would describe myself as a Wallflower which is why I use words to express my deepest – and sometimes darkest - thoughts. Words have always been my strongest method of expressing myself. Growing up I always wanted to be a writer, however life and circumstances chipped away at my confidence until there was nothing left. Without words, I could no longer express myself. I am also Epileptic. Since being diagnosed, I have realised that my deepest fear is the day I am finally on my deathbed, haunted by the overwhelming regret that I never achieved my God-given potential. This realisation forced me to take a step of faith and put myself out there. Yes it makes me vulnerable, however within the process I not only want to be an inspiration to myself; I want to be an inspiration to other women – to be whatever you want to be. Embrace the fear and doubt and utilise that as the fuel you need to push through! Life is for living to the fullest. Life is for loving, for living true to yourself and to the people around you. Life however, can also be crippling, dark and overwhelming. But you are not alone. This thought alone is what will help you get up from the ground.

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