Posted in Blog

Unexpected – A Thank You Letter

Dear Mum,

I want to thank you.
Although we are no longer talking and although that was my decision, I will thank you regardless of our broken relationship.

Thank you for teaching me how to stand up for myself.
At the age of eight, you taught me to stand up for myself against the racist bullies (so I kicked them in the shin with my doc martins!), and now at the me at the age of 29, I am standing up to the everybody who is afraid of my Epilepsy and who refuses to understand the condition – just like you now.

Although I’d been having complex partial seizures for as long as we could remember, that was all before that final official diagnosis. We had no clue what they were. Remember that we thought it was all just migraines? Daydreaming? Absent-mindedness? Do you remember all those times you used to yell at me for leaving the tap running, yet I couldn’t even remember turning it on?

Thank you for teaching me how to fight against stigmatism. In your culture, Epilepsy is a sign of demonic possession; of course you could only assume the same when I randomly started having secondary generalised seizures.
When the doctors finally diagnosed me in 2014, we all thought that with prayer and medication, the end of my suffering would come. When that didn’t happen and my condition only deteriorated, that was when I lost you and I was left alone to fight this battle.
Thankfully moving to London gained me access to an amazing Epilepsy team, who could finally answer my questions and assure me that it wasn’t my fault that the medication wasn’t working. The journey had only just begun and it was frightening, dark and lonely – especially without my mum by my side.
This will sound incredibly strange, but I need to thank you for causing me that pain – for making me feel ostracised, a freak, a failure because we assumed that I must’ve done this to myself. Why else would this be happening to me and not to anybody else?
Because of you, I have learnt independence, resilience, and courage.
Because of you, I have learnt to cut myself some slack.
Because of you, I have learnt to let go of the past, treasure my present and hope for a future because I cannot be sure of what it holds for me.
And although you did try to reconcile, when you still proved that you hadn’t changed your own perceptions of my condition, I had to let you go.

Because of everything you’ve done, you’ve taught me that I must look after myself and that I must keep focused on my fight. Without you.

So thank you mum.

Love from your daughter

Author:

My body remains on the sidelines watching, while my mind roams around the room, taking in the world around her. I am a wallflower. There could be two reasons for this: It could be due to me being an introvert or just that I am a Cancerian! I’m Cece Alexandra and I am so honoured that you’ve been led to delve into my thoughts here in this blog! I would describe myself as a Wallflower which is why I use words to express my deepest – and sometimes darkest - thoughts. Words have always been my strongest method of expressing myself. Growing up I always wanted to be a writer, however life and circumstances chipped away at my confidence until there was nothing left. Without words, I could no longer express myself. I am also Epileptic. Since being diagnosed, I have realised that my deepest fear is the day I am finally on my deathbed, haunted by the overwhelming regret that I never achieved my God-given potential. This realisation forced me to take a step of faith and put myself out there. Yes it makes me vulnerable, however within the process I not only want to be an inspiration to myself; I want to be an inspiration to other women – to be whatever you want to be. Embrace the fear and doubt and utilise that as the fuel you need to push through! Life is for living to the fullest. Life is for loving, for living true to yourself and to the people around you. Life however, can also be crippling, dark and overwhelming. But you are not alone. This thought alone is what will help you get up from the ground.

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