In a New York minute, everything can change.
It feels like my universe shifted in a minute and everything changed.
Last weekend I was overwhelmed by heartbreak thinking about my mother, consumed by moments where I missed her desperately. I hated my job and as the end of the Easter holidays rapidly approached I was feeling sick with anxiety just thinking about walking through the doors. I hated my house with throbbing disdain; my world around me was falling apart and on top of that I was living in a shitty house falling apart on top of me.
Everything was overwhelming me.
And then suddenly everything changed.
I’m not sure if it’s the new anti-depressants (could be) or the clock going forward making the days lighter so that stepping outside of the door is no longer like stepping into a prison of darkness. It could be the focus I was giving to my essay which gave me something to aim for. Or the hope that with my next hospital appointment I would be changing to a new (and hopefully more effective) AED (and I did!!! Fingers crossed!)
Whatever it is, I’m sitting here at my laptop crying with happiness.
I’ve done a full week at work (for all those who know me THAT is a BIIIIG achievement!) I’ve just come from a dinner date with a best friend I fell out with and only last month started talking to again after 3 or 4 years. I managed to last the week at work without crying in the toilets because I wasn’t let things get into my head.
And then tonight I get home to find a letter addressed to me. I slowly open the envelope with cautiousness… it’s not addressed to my real name but my writer’s name (Cece Alex). I pull out the letter attempting to read the words in the grayness (I’d forgotten to put the light on) to read that my poem “Anchor” has been selected to be published in an anthology of religious poems. It’s a poem I’m probably the most proud of writing – it’s dear to my heart and definitely one of my most personal.
And it’s been selected to be published in an anthology! Copies of which can be purchased. Copies of which will be available to people to read in libraries. A copy of which will also be kept in The British Library for people to read long after my words were scribed.
Now I’m weeping with happiness.
For me, in a minute everything changed. I don’t even know when that minute was, however I knew immediately after it had happened that something inside of me had changed.
I’ll always miss my mum – some days more than others and my job and home…. These are seasons that are changing… slowly… but surely.
But I’m making movements.
Here below is “Anchor”, words of which will always ring true for me…..