Posted in Blog

I am No Longer Afraid… So Much

I first started writing this in January 2013.

Unfortunately it’s unfinished, however it was written a year before I was diagnosed with Epilepsy and reading it 3 years later, knowing what I know now is incredible and I just had to share.

I originally titled it “I Shall Not Be Afraid of The Terror By Night”

I started suffering night terrors when I was 24, a couple of months before I went travelling. A lot of people who know, ask me what they’re like. It’s hard to explain. Sometimes it feels like I’m being crushed by an invisible force and when I wake up I can still feel that force crushing me into the bed and no matter how much I thrash and scream, it continues to crush literally until I cry out to God to save me. 

Other times the force has a shadow, so I can see the figure or outline of a face of my punisher. After the first few attacks, I went to Google for an answer and one known cause is stress, which is understandable as at the time I was about to embark on a 3 month trip across South East Asia and Australia. 

There was one attack while I was away. We were in a hostel in Kings Cross, Sydney, sharing with a bunch of other people so you can imagine how awfully embarrassing it was to wake up a room full of strangers with my screaming at an attacker only I could see. 

They soon stopped when I returned, but I was left with the crippling fear that I was still unsafe so had to sleep with the light on before downgrading my security to a silent television. If I wasn’t in the dark then I was safe from the darkness.

Now the fear is all of the time I guess. The unexpected comes regardless of night and day.

Author:

My body remains on the sidelines watching, while my mind roams around the room, taking in the world around her. I am a wallflower. There could be two reasons for this: It could be due to me being an introvert or just that I am a Cancerian! I’m Cece Alexandra and I am so honoured that you’ve been led to delve into my thoughts here in this blog! I would describe myself as a Wallflower which is why I use words to express my deepest – and sometimes darkest - thoughts. Words have always been my strongest method of expressing myself. Growing up I always wanted to be a writer, however life and circumstances chipped away at my confidence until there was nothing left. Without words, I could no longer express myself. I am also Epileptic. Since being diagnosed, I have realised that my deepest fear is the day I am finally on my deathbed, haunted by the overwhelming regret that I never achieved my God-given potential. This realisation forced me to take a step of faith and put myself out there. Yes it makes me vulnerable, however within the process I not only want to be an inspiration to myself; I want to be an inspiration to other women – to be whatever you want to be. Embrace the fear and doubt and utilise that as the fuel you need to push through! Life is for living to the fullest. Life is for loving, for living true to yourself and to the people around you. Life however, can also be crippling, dark and overwhelming. But you are not alone. This thought alone is what will help you get up from the ground.

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