I’ve been feeling rather nostalgic of late.
11 years ago, I was about to leave London to go to University. London was drenched in the season of Autumn. I lived for my music – Absolute Radio was my soundtrack; Foo Fighters, Muse, Coldplay and Radiohead were my storytellers.
I loved nothing more than going for walks with the sound of the outside world eliminated by my headphones. I was excited, anxious and petrified. As much as I had been through, I still had no idea about life.
11 years later, I’m just beginning my Masters. I still live for music of course but weirdly, for some strange reason – without even realising it, I’m back listening to Absolute Radio (who are still playing a lot of the songs I was listening to 11 years ago!) In some sense, it almost feels like a paradox, or a constant state of déjà vu (scarily also like I’m in a constant pre-seizure aura). Today I found myself walking home listening to Radiohead and it felt incredibly surreal because this was who I was 11 years ago.
A lot of this is also to do with my therapy. I’m currently exhuming a lot to memories from the past which in a bizarre way makes it difficult to remember sometimes which me I actually am.
In some respects such as in the examples above, there are some similarities to the girl I was at 18. However, at 29 I’m stretched, slightly worn and scarred. I’m also wiser – I’m going back to University determined to succeed because this second opportunity means so much more to me. I know where I want to go afterwards; I know who I want to be which you cannot yet grasp in youth because it’s impossible to really know who you are when you haven’t yet seen or experienced your own world let alone the world outside.
Sitting at my desk now I can recall back to the me from 11 years ago who would sit at her desk to write in her diary. Sometimes I would also occasionally use the desk to complete essays and assignments… occasionally!
If I could talk to the me 11 years ago as I am now, I would tell her not to be afraid; not to be so sad; to stop chasing that idiot boy who is going to mess you around for a year and half because he will leave you for someone else and you will eventually find a dashing young gentleman almost 10 years later; to not lie in bed in the dark crying and listening to Radiohead and Coldplay
(yes I did do that!)
That life would not be this dark forever; that I will be free one day and would no longer have to hide; to take my degree more seriously because the path I would choose to take instead of focusing on my work would have detrimental consequences on my future career prospects. I would also tell myself that you are not crazy – the weird things happening to you are seizures and that you don’t have to be scared because you will get through it and finally get the help that you need.
I would probably also tell myself not to waste so much money on phone credit to call your sister (I spent A HELL OF A LOT of money on phone credit) because in 11 years’ time you will no longer be talking………….. Awks.
Or is this all just breaking every single time travel paradox rule possible?