Posted in Poetry

Blood and Flesh

 Family – it’s all just a bunch of bullshit
Love is guilt and a constant pit
Of torture and tears and constant shit
You blackmail with blood and flesh
Silent guilt always caught me in a mesh
Cuts so deep the blood flows fresh
We grew up and fell out of love
Separated no longer a pair like gloves
Balls of hate hard like a clove
Years of quarrels never spoken
My endless sorries just a token
Never realising our love was broken
Beyond repair but not beyond doubt
In your mind you’d already checked out
Before I even knew what it was about
I wrote you down my heart in a letter
Thinking truth would make it all better
But now I’m at the end of my tether
Your lack of reply is a slap in the face
A realisation that this is the place
Sisters no more – an official case
And now you would rather make your mother cry
Than let your pride and stubbornness die
Cast your anger and hatred aside
This family your constant warzone
It’s a stage for you and you alone
As you sit and judge others below from your throne
You can’t sit to break bread
To put others before yourself instead
You’ve said it all without a last breath
Now today I sit and contemplate
My first Christmas on a solo plate
Solitude is my gift from your hate
A mangled stray with no home
You could say that’s it’s all fault of my own
My choice to leave the house I’d outgrown
Leaving everything behind
For a wider world to find
And you can’t forgive me
For it was you I left behind

Author:

My body remains on the sidelines watching, while my mind roams around the room, taking in the world around her. I am a wallflower. There could be two reasons for this: It could be due to me being an introvert or just that I am a Cancerian! I’m Cece Alexandra and I am so honoured that you’ve been led to delve into my thoughts here in this blog! I would describe myself as a Wallflower which is why I use words to express my deepest – and sometimes darkest - thoughts. Words have always been my strongest method of expressing myself. Growing up I always wanted to be a writer, however life and circumstances chipped away at my confidence until there was nothing left. Without words, I could no longer express myself. I am also Epileptic. Since being diagnosed, I have realised that my deepest fear is the day I am finally on my deathbed, haunted by the overwhelming regret that I never achieved my God-given potential. This realisation forced me to take a step of faith and put myself out there. Yes it makes me vulnerable, however within the process I not only want to be an inspiration to myself; I want to be an inspiration to other women – to be whatever you want to be. Embrace the fear and doubt and utilise that as the fuel you need to push through! Life is for living to the fullest. Life is for loving, for living true to yourself and to the people around you. Life however, can also be crippling, dark and overwhelming. But you are not alone. This thought alone is what will help you get up from the ground.

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