Posted in Blog

My Own Worst Enemy

Have you ever walked through a dimly lit corridor or street and jumped at the sudden movement inches away from you? Only to then discover that the thing that scared you was actually your own shadow?

Sometimes the thing we fear most is within ourselves; a fear so paralysing.

I recently had an episode in the night; sometimes I wake up unable to move and feel like something is pushing me down. When this first started happening before I was diagnosed with Epilepsy my mum thought I was possessed or being spiritually attacked by an enemy which made me begin to fear what may or may not be lurking in my room at night. For months I refused to sleep without the light on to protect me. Then a year later a consultant told me that these were seizures. Suddenly I became afraid of myself – my own mind and body was doing this to me.

We can get so caught up in fear that we lock ourselves away not realising that we’re locking ourselves with the one thing causing us harm.

Ourselves.

Taking that step of faith to break away takes so much stamina, strength and courage. And how do you escape yourself when you are yourself?

You have to immerse yourself in positive and healthy outside influences. For me, it’s having great friends on hand to call and whataspp when it gets too much; immersing myself in podcasts and reading The Word to focus my thoughts  when I’m alone; throwing myself into work serving others with all my strength and not letting myself focus on myself and therefore thrive on negativity and then rewarding myself with a nice cooked meal and a mini Come Dine With Me marathon in the evening; a good radio station to continue the positivity during the night.

We don’t have to fight ourselves by ourselves because you can’t.

Author:

My body remains on the sidelines watching, while my mind roams around the room, taking in the world around her. I am a wallflower. There could be two reasons for this: It could be due to me being an introvert or just that I am a Cancerian! I’m Cece Alexandra and I am so honoured that you’ve been led to delve into my thoughts here in this blog! I would describe myself as a Wallflower which is why I use words to express my deepest – and sometimes darkest - thoughts. Words have always been my strongest method of expressing myself. Growing up I always wanted to be a writer, however life and circumstances chipped away at my confidence until there was nothing left. Without words, I could no longer express myself. I am also Epileptic. Since being diagnosed, I have realised that my deepest fear is the day I am finally on my deathbed, haunted by the overwhelming regret that I never achieved my God-given potential. This realisation forced me to take a step of faith and put myself out there. Yes it makes me vulnerable, however within the process I not only want to be an inspiration to myself; I want to be an inspiration to other women – to be whatever you want to be. Embrace the fear and doubt and utilise that as the fuel you need to push through! Life is for living to the fullest. Life is for loving, for living true to yourself and to the people around you. Life however, can also be crippling, dark and overwhelming. But you are not alone. This thought alone is what will help you get up from the ground.

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