Posted in Blog

My Own Worst Enemy

Have you ever walked through a dimly lit corridor or street and jumped at the sudden movement inches away from you? Only to then discover that the thing that scared you was actually your own shadow?

Sometimes the thing we fear most is within ourselves; a fear so paralysing.

I recently had an episode in the night; sometimes I wake up unable to move and feel like something is pushing me down. When this first started happening before I was diagnosed with Epilepsy my mum thought I was possessed or being spiritually attacked by an enemy which made me begin to fear what may or may not be lurking in my room at night. For months I refused to sleep without the light on to protect me. Then a year later a consultant told me that these were seizures. Suddenly I became afraid of myself – my own mind and body was doing this to me.

We can get so caught up in fear that we lock ourselves away not realising that we’re locking ourselves with the one thing causing us harm.

Ourselves.

Taking that step of faith to break away takes so much stamina, strength and courage. And how do you escape yourself when you are yourself?

You have to immerse yourself in positive and healthy outside influences. For me, it’s having great friends on hand to call and whataspp when it gets too much; immersing myself in podcasts and reading The Word to focus my thoughts  when I’m alone; throwing myself into work serving others with all my strength and not letting myself focus on myself and therefore thrive on negativity and then rewarding myself with a nice cooked meal and a mini Come Dine With Me marathon in the evening; a good radio station to continue the positivity during the night.

We don’t have to fight ourselves by ourselves because you can’t.

Author:

I’m Cece Alexandra and I have Epilepsy. Since being diagnosed, my life has changed significantly. After studying and teaching Humanities and Literature for all of my adult life, I was bullied and lost my job a month before qualifying to become an English Teacher. Once you fail the Teacher Training course in England, you cannot ever retrain; I then became too sick to work because of my Epilepsy. I am now currently studying an MSc in Mental Health Psychology with the University of Liverpool. My disability provokes me into raising awareness for invisible disabilities, which I also actively partake in with Epilepsy Action. Part of that awareness is to help fight against invisible disability discrimination - I believe that this behaviour is not cognitively unconscious; modern society is actively partaking in a hierarchy of disabilities and I believe that there is not enough psychological research to prove this. I am also clinically interested in Cultural Psychology - particularly Collectivist Culture, and wish to pursue this further in my academic career.

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