Posted in Blog

What I Deserve

I’m currently in the process of clearing out my room in preparation for my big move to London and I’ve been distracted over the last few days by a box filled with my old diaries.

This particular extract comes from a diary from 2011 -2012.

This period in my life was one of tremendous transition; I’d gone from finding myself and happiness after returning from travelling and finding what I’d hoped was the love of my life in an exceedingly whirlwind romance, to just as suddenly having my heart ripped apart and in the midst of a dark cloud of my broken heart I became severely depressed and focused on running down the path of self-destruction. I was drinking excessively, and allowing people to use me physically and emotionally as I looked for ways to block out the pain. A lot of the entries during this time are exceedingly incoherent due to my tumultuous emotions and I guess that dealing with my emotions through written communication to myself became all too much for me as the entries abruptly cease and recommence in 2012 where I’ve settled myself into church life and found a place within a community.

Furthermore, I find my sense of identity and worth – all things I had completely lost in the previous year.

Suddenly coming to the realisation that I am worth more than my past experiences and mistakes, on 18th March 2012 I wrote these words:

I want to save myself – save myself for someone who loves me for who I am. 

I won’t have to convince myself that I’m in love or that they’re in love with me; it’ll just be.

I’m not being idealistic – I’m being realistic because it’s what I deserve.

The reason for my sharing this is for the simple fact that two years later, I have accomplished this and I wanted girls reading this to know that it is not ridiculous to hope neither is it ludicrous to dream that there are men out there who will not only sweep you off your feet and treat you like a princess; they will love and respect you. You will not have to change who you are for the right man, neither will you have to question your feelings or second guess his because you will just automatically know.

The status quo tells us to take what we can get, but I say go out and get what you deserve.

xoxo

Author:

I’m Cece Alexandra and I have Epilepsy. Since being diagnosed, my life has changed significantly. After studying and teaching Humanities and Literature for all of my adult life, I was bullied and lost my job a month before qualifying to become an English Teacher. Once you fail the Teacher Training course in England, you cannot ever retrain; I then became too sick to work because of my Epilepsy. I am now currently studying an MSc in Mental Health Psychology with the University of Liverpool. My disability provokes me into raising awareness for invisible disabilities, which I also actively partake in with Epilepsy Action. Part of that awareness is to help fight against invisible disability discrimination - I believe that this behaviour is not cognitively unconscious; modern society is actively partaking in a hierarchy of disabilities and I believe that there is not enough psychological research to prove this. I am also clinically interested in Cultural Psychology - particularly Collectivist Culture, and wish to pursue this further in my academic career.

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