Posted in Blog

What I Deserve

I’m currently in the process of clearing out my room in preparation for my big move to London and I’ve been distracted over the last few days by a box filled with my old diaries.

This particular extract comes from a diary from 2011 -2012.

This period in my life was one of tremendous transition; I’d gone from finding myself and happiness after returning from travelling and finding what I’d hoped was the love of my life in an exceedingly whirlwind romance, to just as suddenly having my heart ripped apart and in the midst of a dark cloud of my broken heart I became severely depressed and focused on running down the path of self-destruction. I was drinking excessively, and allowing people to use me physically and emotionally as I looked for ways to block out the pain. A lot of the entries during this time are exceedingly incoherent due to my tumultuous emotions and I guess that dealing with my emotions through written communication to myself became all too much for me as the entries abruptly cease and recommence in 2012 where I’ve settled myself into church life and found a place within a community.

Furthermore, I find my sense of identity and worth – all things I had completely lost in the previous year.

Suddenly coming to the realisation that I am worth more than my past experiences and mistakes, on 18th March 2012 I wrote these words:

I want to save myself – save myself for someone who loves me for who I am. 

I won’t have to convince myself that I’m in love or that they’re in love with me; it’ll just be.

I’m not being idealistic – I’m being realistic because it’s what I deserve.

The reason for my sharing this is for the simple fact that two years later, I have accomplished this and I wanted girls reading this to know that it is not ridiculous to hope neither is it ludicrous to dream that there are men out there who will not only sweep you off your feet and treat you like a princess; they will love and respect you. You will not have to change who you are for the right man, neither will you have to question your feelings or second guess his because you will just automatically know.

The status quo tells us to take what we can get, but I say go out and get what you deserve.

xoxo

Author:

My body remains on the sidelines watching, while my mind roams around the room, taking in the world around her. I am a wallflower. There could be two reasons for this: It could be due to me being an introvert or just that I am a Cancerian! I’m Cece Alexandra and I am so honoured that you’ve been led to delve into my thoughts here in this blog! I would describe myself as a Wallflower which is why I use words to express my deepest – and sometimes darkest - thoughts. Words have always been my strongest method of expressing myself. Growing up I always wanted to be a writer, however life and circumstances chipped away at my confidence until there was nothing left. Without words, I could no longer express myself. I am also Epileptic. Since being diagnosed, I have realised that my deepest fear is the day I am finally on my deathbed, haunted by the overwhelming regret that I never achieved my God-given potential. This realisation forced me to take a step of faith and put myself out there. Yes it makes me vulnerable, however within the process I not only want to be an inspiration to myself; I want to be an inspiration to other women – to be whatever you want to be. Embrace the fear and doubt and utilise that as the fuel you need to push through! Life is for living to the fullest. Life is for loving, for living true to yourself and to the people around you. Life however, can also be crippling, dark and overwhelming. But you are not alone. This thought alone is what will help you get up from the ground.

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