Posted in Blog

Paralytic Adoration

I look into your eyes and I find it hard to breathe

Words become trapped and struggle for release

My mouth wants to move but my lips only part

In a shock reaction to my beating heart

A gentle touch sends shivers right through me

I struggle to comprehend how I could be so lucky

When alone fear, becomes a dense stronghold

As I fight with all my might against the mould

Of a past full of desecration, destruction and despair

Of a time of previous when you were not there

My body a shrine for shadows who entered to part

To destroy my soul and to shatter my heart

I lay awake wondering how could you be so perfect?

Able to have upon me this ludicrous effect?

It feels undeserved yet the crowd disagrees

Yet not enough to break me from my reverie

The fear that one day you will disappear

And I will be left just a heart breaking memory

Perhaps it’s only my rational insecurities

Perhaps it’s a premonition of future realities

Until then my love hold onto you I will

And allow you the treasure of my heart to fill

There won’t be a sufficient amount of time enough

But until then I will continue to call your bluff

And revel in this paralytic adoration

And pretend you are mine for the duration.

Author:

I’m Cece Alexandra and I have Epilepsy. Since being diagnosed, my life has changed significantly. After studying and teaching Humanities and Literature for all of my adult life, I was bullied and lost my job a month before qualifying to become an English Teacher. Once you fail the Teacher Training course in England, you cannot ever retrain; I then became too sick to work because of my Epilepsy. I am now currently studying an MSc in Mental Health Psychology with the University of Liverpool. My disability provokes me into raising awareness for invisible disabilities, which I also actively partake in with Epilepsy Action. Part of that awareness is to help fight against invisible disability discrimination - I believe that this behaviour is not cognitively unconscious; modern society is actively partaking in a hierarchy of disabilities and I believe that there is not enough psychological research to prove this. I am also clinically interested in Cultural Psychology - particularly Collectivist Culture, and wish to pursue this further in my academic career.

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