Posted in Blog

The Fog

A strange smell
Sometimes the only warning
That what I know is impending  
And sometimes there is nothing
Emptiness then the strike of the cannonball
A crushing weight
Yesterday overwhelms me
Except yesterday did not happen
It is only an illusion
My limbs begin to contort
No time to feel fear 
As I lose all control
No control over emotions nor actions
Time stands still
And simultaneously flies by
I hear the voices by my side
Yet seem more farther by the second
Screaming my name in panic
To guide me back to my sanity
To coax me out of the darkness
But sometimes there are no allies
And I’m alone in the blindness
Alone to wait it out
Like a prisoner on death row
In the ashes of the aftermath
A fog of confusion 
Like spinning too fast on a roundabout 
Even the release bars all control
As I struggle to recover
My senses, my identity
Limbs were rigid and now like jelly
My compass is shattered
Details such as place and time
Disappear in the fog
Uncertain of its return
I lay awake at night 
Lost in panic during daylight 
Spellbound by uncertainty
And then the fear comes
That the storm will return 
Before the fog has had time to lift.

Author:

I’m Cece Alexandra and I have Epilepsy. Since being diagnosed, my life has changed significantly. After studying and teaching Humanities and Literature for all of my adult life, I was bullied and lost my job a month before qualifying to become an English Teacher. Once you fail the Teacher Training course in England, you cannot ever retrain; I then became too sick to work because of my Epilepsy. I am now currently studying an MSc in Mental Health Psychology with the University of Liverpool. My disability provokes me into raising awareness for invisible disabilities, which I also actively partake in with Epilepsy Action. Part of that awareness is to help fight against invisible disability discrimination - I believe that this behaviour is not cognitively unconscious; modern society is actively partaking in a hierarchy of disabilities and I believe that there is not enough psychological research to prove this. I am also clinically interested in Cultural Psychology - particularly Collectivist Culture, and wish to pursue this further in my academic career.

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